OUR BODIES, OURSELVES IN 2012!

The New Year is the apocalyptic annus in the Mayan calendar for New Agers everywhere, so it’s time to ratchet up the prognostications for 2012.

THE CHINESE COMMUNISTS WILL FALL. A carryover from last year, but, with Wukan fishing village in open revolt, worth advancing to 2012.

AI WEIWEI WILL MOVE TO CALIFORNIA and establish a think tank with Tina Brown, Maria Shriver, Tavis Smiley and Eleanor Antin.

CUTTING EDGE BOUTIQUE GALLERIES WILL CONTINUE TO CLOSE. The shuttering of spaces such as Taxter & Spengemann and Daniel Reich in 2011 is the flipside of the growth of megaspaces like Gagosian and Zwirner.

GLENN LOWRY WILL RETIRE and be replaced as MoMA CEO by Ann Temkin, who already runs the show there anyway.

BARACK OBAMA WILL TAKE UP PAINTING. Like other war heroes Churchill and Eisenhower, he will paint landscapes to relax, at Camp David.

CHRISTIES AND PHILLIPS DePURY WILL MERGE. As Sotheby’s bottom line continues to underperform, Christie’s will move in for the kill and end up controlling contemporary.

A MAJOR OLD MASTERS FORGERY SCANDAL WILL BREAK OUT, involving a venerable uptown gallery.

THE MAX ERNST REVIVAL WILL CONTINUE, particularly with Chinese and Russian buyers at auction.

PERFORMA WILL DISBAND, as RoseLee Goldberg assumes a position as performance art adviser to the throne of Qatar, in an effort to use performance as a means of projecting modern Islamic esthetics.

And THOMAS KRENS WILL RE-EMERGE as RoseLee Goldberg’s new partner and consort.

CHARLIE FINCH is co-author of Most Art Sucks: Five Years of Coagula (Smart Art Press).