Act 1, Scene 1. A lone man stands on stage. His name is Ulay. He breaks into song (to the tune of Maria from West Side Story): "Marina, I've just met a girl named Marina. And suddenly that name is driving me insane! Marina, I'll suffer and slave for Marina. And, still I don't know why, she's making me so high! Marina! Marina! Marina!" Men in white arrive and wrap Ulay in a straight jacket, hauling him off stage.
Act 1, Scene 2. The curtain rises, revealing our heroine, Marina, dancing naked through a meadow full of bones. She breaks into song (to the tune of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music): "Torture and starving, sensual deprivation, staring and barfing and lack of sensation, baths of cold water and brass nipple rings, these are just some of my favorite things! When the light's out, when the heat's off, when the cold wind stings, and I feel sad, I submit to the torture of favorite things and then I just feel so bad!"
Act 2, Scene 1. The curtain opens, revealing Marina chained to an examination table. Enter her dealer Sean "The Bald" Kelly, dressed in black with a long whip. He cracks it on Marina's thighs and sings (to the tune of I'm Late from Alice in Wonderland): "The check, the check, I've got to get the check!/ Before they've realized what they bought/ I've got to get the check, the check/ And when they check to see what art they bought/ It's just some cheap performance art/ I've got to get the check, the check." Ignoring Marina, Kelly exits stage left.
Act 2, Scene 2. Enter Glenn Lowry, stage right. Thin and mangy, he spies Marina at center stage. His mood brightens and Glenn breaks into song (to the tune of Comedy Tonight from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum): "Something outrageous, that's not contagious, to freak out everyone, a tragedy tonight! Something that's shocking, without the fucking, plus lots of nudity, a tragedy tonight! Tie up Marina, beat her with tongs, have a Greek chorus break out in song! Something transgressive, something aggressive, something to turn on the Times! Real art tomorrow, tragedy tonight!"
Act 3, Scene 1. Enter chorus of Serbian soldiers, dragging Marina naked, in chains, singing (to the tune of They Call the Wind Maria from Paint Your Wagon): "Marina was a sexy wench, until she joined the art world, now the eggheads watch her wretch and throw up over our world. Marina, Marina, what happened to Marina? She could have been Miss Serbia or Miss World Montenegro, but now she scarifies her flesh and crucifies herself, Oh! Marina, Marina, what happened to Marina?"
Act 3, Scene 2. From stage left, a gang of New York artists attacks the Serbian soldiers with paint brushes and video cameras, chanting, in song (to the tune of The Lion Sleeps Tonight): "Abramovic, Abramovic, Abramovic, Abramovic, in the hovel, the darkest hovel, Marina screams tonight, turning pain into financial gain, Marina screams tonight, Abramovic, Abramovic, Abramovic, Abramovic, ah ooooh, oooooh, ooh, ah ooh away!"
Act 3, Finale. After routing the Serbians, the artist chorus leads Marina, naked in chains to the center of the stage, singing (to the tune of Hello, Dolly!): "You're not jolly, no, you're not jolly, but your suffering makes us happy just the same! Your flesh swells, golly, you're in Hell, Molly, it don't matter, 'cause we understand your game! Watch your sweat glisten, while your fans listen to the golden, tortured silence of your pain. Marina, never leave us alone, grab your brush, here's another bone, always show us how to love our pain and remember that the art world is insane!!" Curtain drops, crushing Marina under its weight while the band plays on.
CHARLIE FINCH is co-author of Most Art Sucks: Five Years of Coagula (Smart Art Press).