Since Artnet Magazine was covering real news as varied as Seattle sculpture, Jasper Johns and corrupt African potentates during the esthetically disastrous Armory Show weekend, I was able to sit at home in front of my computer and test the atmosphere of Artland. Here’s what’s on the way, if not already out:

STAGED PHOTOGRAPHY: Justine Kurland’s syrupy visions of Arcadia would make the Pre-Raphaelites choke.

CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS: Scheduling the New York art fairs on Oscar weekend kept the stars busy with gowns, rehab and paternity tests instead of art collecting.

EXPRESSIONISM: When every new painting looks like Katharine Bernhardt, it’s back to abstraction.

YALE: An MFA from my alma mater means you are derivative and immature.

SLOGGING AROUND: Why travel from cubicle to cubicle when you can see the work on NYmag.com?

"HOT" OPENINGS: Sarah Douglas touted the new Yvon Lambert space as a sizzling bash on Artinfo.com. You’d have more fun at the Y.

JEFFREY DEITCH: The leprechaun sitting in the golden pot at the end of the rainbow just went "Poof!"

SCRAGGLY YOUTH: Is that Slater Bradley or one of his hundred anonymous friends?

THE RUBELLS: A nice lumpy couple in search of a fat farm.

DEALERS AS STARS: If you wear a badge too long, you’re a security guard.

WARHOL: Everybody’s 15 minutes are up. 

ART FAIRS: Brian Sholis tells us at Artforum.com that art fairs have jumped the shark, so, yes, Virginia, it must be true.

VIDEO: Your television does it better.

The antidote? Take pencil and paper and draw a friend.

CHARLIE FINCH is co-author of Most Art Sucks: Five Years of Coagula (Smart Art Press).